De Life Of Ray

Attachments to the past are currently present

2011-07-23T03:07:00.004+08:00

Lately I've been thinking about the past...A lot...Don't get me wrong though,its not cos I want to turn back time or anything...Without my past,I would be nowhere near the person I am now,so for that alone I am grateful for all the good and bad that make it up...

I am however hooked in the past because I did not get the answers I sought... Not that the answers should matter 6 years after everything has been concluded...Its just that sometimes not knowing is a curse...

And then there are also the never-ending what ifs that we keep asking ourselves... Even if we are currently satisfied with where we are and have 0 regrets,it does not stop the mind from trying to figure out the 'possible endings'... And once again I stressed that I am merely just thinking of the possibilities,I would never travel back in time to do and undo things,even if such means are made available to me at this point of time...

Memories...Clusters of thoughts that we have memorized in our minds...Such a befitting name...

Wake up your idea Rayzor!!!!

2011-06-02T00:39:00.004+08:00

You still don't get it do you Rayzor??Hahaha...Its pretty simple dumbass!!They just don't need you anymore!!You've served your purpose so go on with your fucking life!!What the hell are you still hanging around for??Are you that dumb??Don't be a pitiful moron waiting around and all will ya??Oh wait,I forgot that YOU ARE the pitiful,sorry,worst piece of shit that ever existed in this life!

You know,you should probably kill yourself...You're useless,worthless and everything else man!!You should get rid of your sorry ass man!I don't even know why I'm wasting my time with you you stupid fuck...I can't believe I have to be stuck with the likes of YOU!

Go and wallow in self pity like the DOG that you are man...People don't give a shit!!

The worst thing is,I can't believe I let you have total control...If I was in control, none of this would happen!!So much for your caring and being nice and blah blah blah!!!!All I hear is your USELESS TRAP making noises!!

Rayzor Rayzor...How the 'mighty' have fallen...You've wasted my time in trying to harden you up and everything cos at the end of the day,you still want to be 'the good guy' and all that crap!!!I am ashamed to say that I was a part of you!
Fuck you man,fuck you...

Your worst,
Ray Devil

PS:I promise you that if you don't die soon enough,I'll kill your sorry ass myself

Nothing escapes change

2011-06-01T03:02:00.003+08:00

I searched and searched for the place where we sat last time,talking about random stuffs and looking at the stars...It took a while,but when I reached,it seemed to me that even that place has changed...Just like how we are now... Nothing escapes change...

I was wheeling my bicycle,you were walking with your phone in your hand... We were just walking and talking and then we decided to stop at a nearby bench... Now its just me and my bicycle...Even then,its not the same bicycle as before...
Nothing escapes change...

I went to the exact spot where the bench was supposed to be,where I sat on the left while you sat on the right...We just got to know each other then and I remembered I told you about the Orion's belt and the north star...They were shining so bright then,and they still shine bright in my mind,so deeply etched in my memories...But when I looked up in the night sky this time,no stars were shining...None at all...
Nothing escapes change...

When we thought it was a bit too late,we walked back to your place,me with my bicycle,you with your phone...This time when I left the place,I was cycling away...
Nothing escapes change...

We never knew what was in store for us...Never knew that certain 'scribblings' would trigger our getting to know each other...Never knew that certain 'incidents' would make us strangers again...Never knew that after that we would be closer than we thought was possible...And we never knew that a certain 'inquiry' would make us strangers all over again...
Nothing escapes change...

Living Off The Grid

2011-05-08T14:41:00.002+08:00

Seems to me that a lot of people have decided to take out their anger on me recently...I'm honestly fine with it,cos one day I know I have already decided that I'm gonna go on alone...I don't care if I have to be the outlet for any of you to vent your anger on...Let out all that negativity,don't keep it in...I'll even allow you to hit me if you must...

I'll even try to intensify the anger if possible,though maybe not so soon...If I'm supposed to leave everything and everyone behind,I'll feel much better if I leave amidst hatred and resentment,cos at least I'm unwanted...

Haha...I'll do anything to make you guys hate me,but not in an obvious manner... Without you knowing it,I will make you guys hate me,one way or another,then I will take my leave...

The breaking mask

2011-03-10T00:03:00.003+08:00

This mask that I willingly chose to wear
Like a wall that keeps everything in
Or maybe a one way glass
Or even a one way street

Its not as perfect as it seems
Or as strong as it should be
Cracks have started to appear
And reveal the secrets within

The darkness should all be kept inside
Somewhere deep and out of reach
But on the surface there will be
The happiness of a morning glory

I'll make sure that it seems genuine
This side that I will choose to show
Cos no one should ever be exposed
To my endless pain and sorrow

So I'll strenghten this mask with all I have
For this is how it should be
People will no longer see me as
The guy suffering from misery

~Hereby this is the promise I will make...For too long have I been wasting other people's precious time with my negativity...~

My carved mask

2011-03-09T02:59:00.002+08:00

This mask that I now set on my face will be the only one I need...What you see will not be what you get,but that will be the way...No one should be allowed to see your dark side Rayzor Timber...Heed this warning or you will be lost forever...

Fear

2011-03-04T15:32:00.003+08:00

To fear naught but fear itself
That used to be my bane
But now that is no longer
For I am afraid,very afraid

The wind bids me to go on
But no counsel does it give
No longer does comfort exist
And I am afraid,very afraid

The years I have passed and gone through
And lessons upon lessons I have learnt
And even though I am now renewed
Still I am afraid,very afraid

The path I took now seems perilous
Filled with obstacles that were never there
And now it seems like the wrong turn taken
For I am afraid,very afraid

In light of recent events

2011-03-04T14:01:00.002+08:00

It is known from where or whence you came from,but there you are...You are the cause of all this,yet I cannot begrudge you for you are meant for greater things... Its as if you appeared unlooked for and unexpected to challenge me...Yet again, such is not my way that I will completely ignore you...For in doing so I will be sending myself to the gallows...By ignoring you I will be ignoring myself...For you and I are one...

~Let us hope that these barriers will be enough to hold it all inside as much as it is supposed to keep everything out...With the coming of another day the barrier comes much,much closer to disintegrating...Let's just hope these barriers will hold this tremendous force just for as long as absolutely necessary...~

Choices

2011-03-03T16:19:00.002+08:00

This is the time Rayzor Timber...The choice lies before you now,and its up to you to make a decision whatever the consequences may be...If you choose to stay,then avoidance is the important step...If you choose to go on,make sure your conscience is clear...There is no in between,only this or that here...Make your move...

~Even the wind will not be able to help you this time Rayzor...That much you already know...~

Life

2011-03-01T06:25:00.003+08:00

~You taught me what life really meant
You taught me what was real
You showed me how hard I could fall
And how to strengthen my will

My past was painful thanks to you
But more painful was the promise
You had me make when you let me know
Your lies and all your follies

I hated you with and all your guts
I honestly wanted you dead
But after seeing you lying down
I was actually not prepared

To hear that your life was at the brink
To know recovery was so slim
To learn that anytime you could go
Without so much as a blink

I told you when I was there that day
You've slept enough its time to rise
But I guess you chose to carry on sleeping
And carry on with your demise

I never knew I'd say this now
But I'll say it nonetheless
You participated well in my memories
Of which some I consider best

All I can say to you now
Is go forth without regrets
You will be honoured for who you were
Before you lied down in that bed

What's past is past its all forgiven
Let this be a reminder
That Mohammed Afiq is the man
Who fought till he had to surrender~

~Rest in peace my friend...We had issues in the past but that is gone now...I forgive you for any mistakes you've done and I hope you've done the same...Life was cut short for you but I will honestly say you've done well in living it...You will not be remembered but you will be honoured...For even as distant as we are now,you were once my friend,my brother...~

I'm burning up with a fever of my own choice

2011-02-28T14:18:00.003+08:00

Going into a person's past is not that easy and it is not really that enjoyable... While it is true people may think that it is fun to be able to know a person inside out,it is definitely with a price...When you go into some one's past,you experienced what they did,what they went through and you feel everything...I shuddered a lot yesterday when I closed my eyes...It hurts...I had a feeling this was gonna happen but I never knew it was this bad...

Then again,I was never the type to get deterred so easily...So I guess I will still go ahead and enter people's past as long as I know I'll be able to help them... Doing so will hurt me a great deal as well but I will continue doing it even if it destroys my very being...This will either be my glory,or it will be my downfall...

~Pictures tell you a story about someone in a clearer sense...Looking at photos means an intrusion of privacy...I cringe everytime I look so I try not to...~

Realisations

2011-02-24T00:27:00.007+08:00

A new post after so long huh?Oh wells...Certain incidents that have happened recently have made me realise a lot of things...This is gonna be one freaking long post,but I guess its okay since I do need to let it out...

First things first,my used-to-be best buddy in secondary school Afiq is currently in a coma...I know that I had a 'bad history' with him and all...And I did say a lot of nasty stuffs before I knew the severity of his condition and all...Guess all that changed when I saw him lying down in his ward in the ICU at NUH...It also shocked me to actually find out that he only has a slim chance of recovering... At that point of time every single thing that he did to me and my reason for hating him so much just seemed so small,useless and petty...It just made me question everything and anything at that point of time...All the hatred I had for him just seemed so...Wrong...All I honestly want for him now is to just wake up... Whatever happens then I honestly don't give a damn...I just want him to wake up...When he revealed to me that he had backstabbed me,he made me promise not to hurt him...And I've honoured that promise till today,I haven't laid a finger on him yet...So he owes me that much...He's gotta wake up...

Currently I've been trying to get in contact with all his friends in secondary school in hoping that we'll be able to raise some money for his family since his dad is no longer working and all...His dad was working as a driver for a mover's company and since that requires a lot of concentration,he quit so he could stay together with his most beloved son...I've been getting a lot of responses so far and I hope this will go a long way for his family...I will do everything in my power as long as it will help him or his family...

I know a lot of people wonder why I'm doing this for him after whatever he's put me through...My reason is pretty simple,I do this for honour...Any honourable person would not take away the life of one already fallen in front of them,no matter how immoral or dishonourable that person may be...And besides,I am the better man...

On other issues,when me and Nazri went to the hospital the second time,we met up with Erna and her friend...They wanted to visit him as well...So happens that I tried my luck with psychological analysis on her friend...Again I scored full marks...Shows that this talent of mine is real after all...Its the second time I've got a positive result and it just furthers my interest in psychology...

Anyways,on that day that we met them both at the hospital,it started a whole chain reaction that made me question a lot of things about myself...Her friend in a way kept praising me about my intellect and my 'bravery' when I stopped the lift door for another passenger...This things which to me seemed normal now just seems abnormal...Am I really this type of person??

Again that led to another thing...In light of recent events that brought us reminders of the past,Erna wanted to share with her friend what actually happened since they were quite close and she didn't want to hide anything... She was worried of how it would affect their friendship and so she consulted me...So I just asked her to forward to me whatever was it that she told her friend,word for word...My reaction to that was actually:"Wah she made me sound like a saint or something"...Hmmm...I know its not right for me to question any parts of myself but I can't help it...It seems to me now that what I thought was a normal part of a person isn't as normal as I what I thought it should be...It just seems...Wrong... Yet again...When I say wrong I am not talking about anyone else but just myself actually...It just feels weird that what I felt was the basic thing to do is something extra in a sense...Hmmm...

Another thing that is bothering me is when so many people keep telling me that this brain of mine is such a gift that they want it...They do see the benefits I'm having with it but do they know of the other side that it comes from?Honestly, what happen to all the getting to know people through talking to them?From how I see it,it kinda feels uncomfortable because I do not have to wait till a person tells me his/her side of the story because I already know...Its an awkward feeling...And another about this cursed brain of mine,it is so bent on understanding and knowing others that I do not know myself...My sis,Erna, kinda sort of randomly asked me:"What cheers a guy up"?I couldn't give a definite answer about myself because I realise that there was nothing that could cheer me up...With that I also realise that whatever I do and wherever I go,I carry all emotions with me so I am never feeling an exact emotion...Its like I can be happy one minute and raging with anger the next second...That's just not good...I thought I had perfect control of which masks I put on...But currently, being faced with so many questions of myself,I myself am not sure anymore...

Hmmm...Guess that will be all for now...That's a hell of a lot of things to say the minute I got back to this blog...Oh wells...This will serve as a good reminder when you read this again Rayzor Timber...Survive these times well...

my personality

2010-08-21T06:25:00.003+08:00

I just felt like taking certain tests to ascertain again whether what I feel and think of myself is true or not...Not really sure why,but I felt it was necessary...So yeah...

On another note,I do agree with the results...Seems like what I actually have already known and some others which I was expecting...So yeah...But then again,as I think about it deeper,I do think that the test would be more accurate if there was a person giving it to me so that he/she can actually explain to me more about what the questions are specifically asking about so that I can be 100% honest with the answers I dished out...

ESFP - "Entertainer". Radiates attractive warmth and optimism. Smooth, witty, charming, clever. Fun to be with. Very generous. 8.5% of the total population.

Main type	Variant

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	53%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%

Your main type is 2
Your variant is self pres

So...What do you think?I believe it to be true,but then again,one must not be too sure about what one thinks or perceives of himself without actually confirming it with others first...Yeap...

funny don't you think?

2010-05-16T09:15:00.002+08:00

it seems very funny to me...sometimes i think whatever you read about or whatever you watch at movies nowadays aren't all that fake...it feels like nowadays i keep waking up feeling like a total stranger to myself...only difference is that i still know my name,what i have to do...but what i really mean is i think i have really lost myself..fuck this maze...

2010-04-11T12:00:00.001+08:00

haunting memories

2010-04-11T11:26:00.003+08:00

its been 5 years...5 long hard years...trying to forget the past...trying not to think about it...but a dream i had yesterday just messed it all up...

dreams are about whatever your subconscious thinks about...so that means i may not be actually thinking about it but it is just simply still in my mind... which means i'm fucked up cos whatever i've been trying to do for the past 5 years has failed...the years spent trying to forget,trying to be a better person, trying not to blame others a whole 100% for everything that went wrong...i have changed,but some parts never can i guess...

i dreamt about her yesterday...in the dream she and her bestfriend were staying over at my house...they were studying together and their homes were far so i offered to let them stay over...they stayed in my sister's room...for a couple of times i went into the room just to make sure she was safe...for some reason i just felt like i had to...and when she was awake and smiling,i don't know why but it felt so similar to 5 years ago when i felt my life was so perfect,so happy...and ever since i woke up till now,a piece of my heart has been kinda hoping that i could get back together with her...and i honestly say that i kinda miss her...

i don't know what the hell is wrong with me...but i'm not gonna follow my heart at all...here i am thinking of her...but i know that its just a one way street...i cannot be selfish...

~i thank you sincerely for letting me experience what true happiness was,even if it was only for just a short period of time...and i sincerely hope that whatever you do and whoever you are with in future,it works out for you...i wish you all the best...~

pseudo-suicidal thoughts

2010-02-14T11:13:00.002+08:00

hey...i know this post sounds sadistic...but while i was doing my guard duty yesterday and holding my rifle,a thought came to my mind...i was so,so,so tempted to shoot myself with it...not to kill myself,but to just experience that pain,pass out and get hospitalised...sounds stupid,yeah i know...i was thinking about the exact spot to shoot at where i won't puncture any organs...don't ask me how i came to think about that,but i just did...and it really took a lot of effort not to load the rifle and squeeze the trigger...damn,i must be losing control again...

~another random thought...if i ever get hospitalised for something as serious as that,will anyone come down to visit me?~

i smell a change is coming...

2010-02-04T20:19:00.002+08:00

the change that is coming is imminent...i feel it in the wind...and i'm gonna change with it...to the people who who have no problems with me,don't worry,you will all be safe...but to all the people that are kinda getting on my nerves,its time to pay the piper...

~Welcome back Howling Wind~

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

2009-12-23T20:00:00.003+08:00

damn...i seriously don't understand it...i'm freaking combat fit and just because the result of my signing on is pending,i'm send to a driver's vocation...what the hell?i know that a lot of people would probably love to switch places with me,but i just don't like to be in a slacker's vocation seriously...i'm a soldier for goodness sake...i ain't no support character...i'm more of the first to go in,first to kill/die... that's the type of vocation that suits me perfectly...

and on top of that,being in a vocation i already kinda despised,i get send to a camp that is even though near to my house,has a superior who is very much fucked up...fuck man...if my signing on does not get approved soon,i might really either have to kill someone or get killed...

Criminally Disturbed

2009-12-17T11:24:00.005+08:00

I don't really know why,but this is my current emotion...i think the bottle is finally full...hmmm...oh wells...this is a part from the song Criminal from the band Disturbed...

~In a world that i don't wanna know
With a message that i never want to send
To be freed from all of this
I want you to quicken my end

Don't tell me i cannot go
With a wound that refuses to mend
Deliver me from all of this
I want you to quicken my end

Don't say that it isn't so
I'm on a path that you'll never comprehend
Set me free from all of this
I need you to quicken my end~

funny as it always is

2009-11-21T16:18:00.002+08:00

hey...been a while...all i have to say for myself is that i haven't been out for like 14 days??haha...its not like i was being confined or anything...i just didn't feel like going home...i mean honestly,its not like i dislike going home or anything(or maybe i do),but its just that if i only could book out for like 10 hours,i rather not book out at all...call me crazy if you want,but yeah,i'm as simple as that...and besides,if i could do so much more in camp with that time,why not??hahaha...

anyways,i've really been wondering a lot...and all this wondering i fear might 'encourage' me to take some action...oh wells...what i was wondering was,well, something that i don't think a lot of people would actually even imagined...what i actually have been wondering is that how much pain can a person really handle before his body shuts down naturally...well...if you think of it,its not that sadistic you know...its just that i wanted to test the body's endurance...well, more to my endurance that is...and its been very,very,very tempting to start making myself feel pain once again...its not that i'm being emo,i just wanna know...

on a different note...its just around 22 days to my POP...it seems funny but time really flies actually...and a kind of sadness actually hit me...it finally don on me that i'm gonna lose some of my platoon mates after POP...well it may seem funny to any of you all,but i think i've really bonded with the guys in my platoon...2 months might not be a long time,but since we see each other almost everyday,do everything together,laughing and getting punished together,i think i've gotten real close to these guys...some of which i even call brothers...and i mean it...but then i have to accept that whenever there are hellos,there will be goodbyes...

and oh yeah...for the POP,i can only bring 2 people around,which to me is a very shitty thing...there's a lot of people who i really wanted to bring along...well not a lot,but probably around 8?they are the people who i really feel worthy to bring along...both my parents,alvinn and haiyu,and the starbucks family lynda charmaine kiat and han...so i guess i can only invite my parents along...to the rest of you,i'm real sorry...i was really wishing i could bring you guys down...

anyways,its been quite a long post already without me realizing it...so i guess i'll stop here...

Rayzor Timber,
signing off...

the long awaited return???perhaps...

2009-11-01T11:41:00.002+08:00

here to update about my NS status...honestly,i'm actually doing quite all right...i feel at ease inside...cos at least i don't have to worry about 'the usual problems'...

one thing though that i'm not really satisfied about...sometimes i feel they make us run too much...not saying that we shouldn't be running,but i feel that there should be a balance between building up your cardio and building up your upper body strength...as in yeah,i've improved on my 2.4 timing a hell of a lot, but i don't see how running can actually help me to do more pull ups...and that's fucked up cos no matter how good my running is,if i can't do pull ups,what's the fucking use?i'd still fail my IPPT in the end...

on a side note...i'm honestly thinking of signing on...cos i think i fair better as a soldier then as a man outside...a whole lot of things i do not have to worry about...

all right then,that'd be all for now...

rayzor signing off...

when all you can do is go with the flow

2009-08-02T23:57:00.002+08:00

let's just say this few days haven't really been good ones...i'm not saying they're bad either,just that sometimes things just happened...and the worst is when you don't even know what hit you but you know it did...badly...hmmm...

and the worst is,i seriously feel so fucking fucked up over myself...i just don't know why lah but that day itself was an okay day till the random fucked up feelings came into the picture...it was seriouly unexpected...to the point where all i could seriously think of was shoving a beer down my throat...haiz...

what is seriously bothering me i have no fucking bloody idea about...how the hell do i move on if somethings that are 'invisible' are holding me back?its not as if i'm not trying...i am...i guess its just my unlucky day...or week...or month...or probably its just my fucking life...

hmmm...for someone who's able to make others feel better,i sure do suck at doing it for myself...i guess i'm just fated to be a in a supporting role,not the main one...that sucks big time...the one who's always on the sidelines for good...haiz...damn it lah...

~where was that fire that was burning so bright?how come there is nothing left not even a spark?~

a good day i must say

2009-07-19T12:50:00.002+08:00

yesterday me and my band mates went jamming together...after like at least 6-8 months of not seeing each other...damn i missed them a lot a lot...khir,dollar and sepul...haha...and then,akmal was there also...and fuck,HE"S FUCKING GOT A BIKE SIA!!!!!haha...i got a chance to try his bike a bit...oh my god,the feeling is so damn good...haha...

hmmm...anyways,the guys did something for me which i really didn't expect...we were quite sucky yesterday at our songs,so we kinda like stopped for awhile...
then khir started playing this tune...he was prompting me saying:"the crow"...
he was refferring to my poem...dollar join in and then sepul too...haha...for a try try song,i guess its not that bad??haha...

oh wells,that should be about it...damn OFA rocks man!!!!

somebody kill me please,or i'll do it myself

2009-07-14T00:52:00.002+08:00

does anyone have a gun i could borrow?or prob just a device that can kill me fast? i just wanna let go of everything at the moment...

to ray,razor and farid...kill yourselves now before its too late...you're a fucking waste of time in this world and you know it...fuck off...

new music

2009-07-12T21:55:00.003+08:00

hey everyone...i just got a new music device...hahaha...my mom bought for me cos she kinda owes me one...so yeah...

and for this specific device,i'm gonna put one special folder for some japanese songs...songs that i believed are worth my time listening cos they help me to feel braver...in my own world that is...haha...yeah i know sounds lame and everything... but... i need to retreat back to my own comfort zone first so that i may have a shot at the world again...so yeah...

anyways if anyone of you see me outside and i don't say hi,its cos i'm in my own world...so forgive me in advance and just kindly tap my shoulder from in front k...don't ever approached from the back otherwise my reflexes might just knock you out...seriously...

ok orite...gotta go listening ready...haha...

my heart

2009-07-08T11:25:00.001+08:00

is it really my fault that i have feelings for you?if it is then go ahead and blame my heart...i have no power over who it chooses...nor can i change the fact that its chose you...

once things begin,see it through the end...and i will...even if its the outcome i expect but silently hoping not to happen...if it has to end...then so be it...

~i will go on with this...its not my job to leave it hanging...whatever happens will happen...
lets just hope i don't move on to the other side so fast~

why???

2009-07-08T00:49:00.002+08:00

why do all the jerks in the world get the girls???
why do they always get what they want and get away with it???
& why is it because of them guys who are really nice get stereotyped?

i never believed that i'm a good guy...but i always believed that i am never a jerk...but why can't i have what i want???is it too much to ask for???

i'm not looking for a girl for sex....and i mean it...
i'm not looking for a girl to show off to others...that's wrong...
i'm just looking for a girl for companionship....what's so wring about that???
someone to share my life with...for all eternity...

~all i wanted was to show you how much i care
how much i'm different than the other guys you know
but somehow i guess u always like to compare
and everytime a always end up feeling so low~

what's the meaning of all this???

2009-07-07T11:54:00.003+08:00

i really,really feel more then just fucked up now...well yeah i know,i was the one who wanted to end the friendship...but then...argh!!!!is this even the right decision at all???

she smsed me last night...close to midnight...asking me for my bank account cos she wanted to return me back whatever she owed me...what actually happen was that i told her that she could take her time to repay me cos we were good friends and all and that i'm not the type of guy that would kill because of money...so yesterday she smsed me saying that cos i no longer want to be friends with her, she asked me to send her my bank account for her to transfer me cos its no longer a "buddies' loan"...haiya....just what the fuck AM i doing????

i really feel fucked up,messed up and so fucking stupid that i wish i really have a gun beside me now...put an end to all this misery...

~guess its time...time to rid this world of one fucked up misery everyone calls RAY...
and may the world be such a better place without it~

back to the railroads again

2009-07-05T17:53:00.002+08:00

my bro just broke up with his girlfriend yesterday...hearing the stories i kinda feel him...i mean,its about another guy as well right?so yeah...i only kinda feel him and not totally cos my situation is that the girl is not mine...but i mean it already hurts enough... and i don't know how long i can probably carry on knowing that she's probably with a guy out there somewhere...

i made a decision yesterday...i sent her an sms saying that we should just stop being friends...that i am silently hoping but i know its not gonna happen...and then i said nice knowing you and thanks...the most funny think is that she replied me the following morning,asking me what's wrong with me and whether i'm crazy or something...i just didn't reply...

i dunno whether its the right or wrong thing to do...but if possible i just don't wanna see her or hear from her anymore...i know she won't regret or anything cos i'm probably just another friend to her...i just hope i'll survive this incident without losing any parts of myself...

~somebody please guide or tell me whether what i'm doing is right or wrong...i've never asked for all the things in life or something that is impossible...i just asked to be given someone... to be able have a lucky break just one time in my life...just let me have that thing if only for awhile...after that i won't mind if i have to pass on and i will not have any regrets...~

i am a crow

2009-06-29T03:47:00.002+08:00

i want to be there for you forever
even though i know you'll belong to another
and i know my heart will break
going through all this heartaches

sometimes i wish i never knew you
sometimes i wish you were someone i never spoke to
because i am but an ugly crow
destined for nothing but to live in sorrow

a crow who desired for something more
who wanted nothing but to fill his core
with nothing more than a heart of a swan
but yet ke knew all hope was gone

but i just wish for you to be happy
with whoever you choose as your company
i don't care if i can never call you mine
as long as you are always fine

you know just how i feel about you
but i doubt you will ever know how true
for to you i am just another guy
who can't wait to make you cry

how i wish this day would never come
when i fnally decide to succumb
to all the emotions i feel inside
and tell you everything before i go to bed tonight

it hurts to see you with another guy
it hurts but i can never cry
for all i want is for you to smile
even if it means taking my own life

it is as it shud b i guess

2009-01-04T04:01:00.002+08:00

hmmm...i guess i'm a typical fool...de truth can feel like it will hurt but u'd still try n find out anws...funny huh?i guess it hurts u more wen u find out an unwilling truth abt sumone hu u didn't tink u cared tt much abt anymore...it jus truly sucks man...hmmm...

sumhow i wished i nvr learnt how 2 care...sumtyms i wish i nvr learnt 2 share... sumday i wish i can jus b alone...away frm everything...relationships hurt u cos u can nvr control de oder party...wen u're alone u're totally in charge of wad hapens 2 urself...

y does everything have 2 hurt?y does everything have a price?

i'm writing my honest opinions now...i dun care whether u sae i'm childish or wadever...i am hu i am...if u dun like me 4 hu i am...den leave...like they haf all done...

untitled

2008-09-13T18:23:00.002+08:00

very bored...as always...haiyo...

anyways,things are definitely changing around me...yeah...seems like things are already set in motion...just gonna wait for them to happen and deal with things one at a time...oh wells...even though its not a good thing,its not a totally bad thing either...so yeah...

anyways,yesterday i was talking to my ex kayaking partner...then i suddenly felt like telling her that i used to have a crush on her and stuff la... i mean,i felt like making a confession so i did...and she was laughing all the way...and the best part was,she said someone had actually told her before that i had a crush on her, then she said something like no way was that possible ar...haha...so she kinda sort of knew even before i told her la...haha...boy was i embarrassed...

on another note...i was suddenly thinking of something that i wanted to do in the future and stuffs la...then i was thinking about what i LIKED to do...i guess what i like to do is,as corny as it sounds,is to serve people...its great to see smiles on people's faces and to know that they appreciate your help to them...its a great sense of achievement...so i guess whatever i'm gonna do in future,i'll bet its gonna be in the service line...yep...where i'm sure at least i can do something right...

~the only possible thing that can lead you to success is the thing that you have passion for, and not the thing that you think will bring you success~

in the tunnel

2008-09-03T17:39:00.002+08:00

the time has finally come for me to decide whether i should carry on being the me that people will hate or should i go back to being someone that is trying to please everyone...i seriously do not know which will be the right choice for me... i seriously do not...and on making choices,i've never been great at doing it... so yeah... every choice i've made hasn't turn out the way i want... hmmm...

being lonely again...living for yourself and fighting for your ownself...that's what i must do again...the only way for me to become strong again...the only way i will survive this life...no more weaknesses...no more being involved with others... no more...

~to only count on myself is what i must do...no more relying on others and no more letting others use me...i am what i am because of who i am...~

the worst is yet to come

2008-08-01T12:02:00.002+08:00

i'll be honest in this post...I'm freaking bored at every single thing i'm doing now... don't ask me why all right...all i do know is that my life is in a freaking mess...and i don't really know how to sort it out...hmmm...

oh wells...its not the worst i'm feeling...at least now i know that its just that i've lost my way...again...hmmm...i just feel like everything is wrong again...i mean, what have i actually done to deserve all this???its not like i made use of people,heck, its usually the other way around...honestly,why am i losing a grip of everything???
i feel i'm losing myself...

i guess the only reason i am living for now is for my band...i look forward to jam with them every week...they're the only thing that keeps me going...at least my life is not that completely useless...thanks to the OFA...

oh wells...i think what i would need now would seriously be a vision quest... probably no one knows what it is,but actually it just means following your vision and trying to get it...it may take months,even years...the things that you learn before the vision quest ends will be the purpose of the whole thing itself... yeah... i would seriously need to undergo a vision quest now...

damn...in the meantime...i'll bear with everything the world throws at me...its not my choice,but,i simply will have to survive...

sumtings are missing

2008-07-28T17:07:00.002+08:00

i'm kind of losing myself again right now....its not that i wanted it to turn this way but,its just that somethings are beyond my control....make no mistake,its not that i'm weak,but certain things like the attitudes of those that are around me are simply not within my control....

i'm slowly beginning to question,what is it that i'm living for again....i am seriously on the verge of quitting from being a barista....i feel that its no longer worth my time anymore....whenever i work,i never ever thought of the pay there....it would be just a bonus to what i'm achieving....all i had ever wanted was to be able to make people smile and do something that was worth my while....but now it seems to me that all this no longer matter to me cos there are a few other people,who either knowingly or unknowingly,are taking all these joys away from me....yeah....its no longer worth it anymore....

and as for my social life...everything is ending....kind of fast too....i'm moving on alone again....as i should have always been....in truth,i've never felt more lonely than i'm feeling now...but then again,i knew this was coming a long,long time ago....oh wells....from friends to best friends to extended family to original family.... even though they may be around physically,i do not feel their presence....i travel alone once again i guess....but lonelier than i have ever been that is....

oh wells....i guess that's all....i just felt like writing whatever i was feeling down.... don't ask me why....i don't really know why....but i guess its ok.... yeah....

Ray
signing out

wen dere's darkness,dere will b darkness...

2008-07-14T06:35:00.003+08:00

dunno wad my title shud b...so i'm jus being random...yeah...i'm actuali bored 2 death now...n i guess i haven been updating like i said i wud b...so yeah... here's my update...

anws...dis past few daes haf been quite disturbing...i feel veri distracted but i dunno wad it is tts disturbing me...tts de ting tts bothering me de most...
i keep having dis feeling tt sumting's ain't rite,sumting's missing or sumting's i've messed up...n de feeling's quite strong too...its as if my mind is telling me sumting big is awaiting me or tt i better do sumting quickly...but ting is...wad? honestly i can't take dis much longer...it reali feels like i'm gonna blow up very soon n get myself into a great load of trouble...hmmm...mayb i shud...mayb tts de avenue i needed all dis while...hmmm...

moving on...sum tings tt i left bhind r currently getting out of hand...situations tt i pulled out of r kinda worsening more w/o me in de picture...hmmm...i am starting 2 wonder whether it is reali my fault tt tings haf gotten way out of hand, or wud it haf been de same even if i didn't pull out in de past??mayb yes mayb no... none will noe till their tym answers i guess...yeah...

guess tts all...chiows everybody...

Viprari™
signing out

Our Final Attempt on first performance

2008-07-03T20:39:00.002+08:00

hey peeps...kinda long tym since i've been here...so tot i'd post since i gt sum tym... yeah...anws...

yest was de first tym sumting gd actuali hapen 2 me during dis whole down period...i actuali performed wif a band at sch!!!haha...yeah...it was super fun... although i actuali did screw up since i 4got de lyrics(i can't possibly memorize n perform a song in 4 daes)we kinda did a good job at it...yeah...but criousli i'm veri veri glad tt i have 2 gd guitarists n a gd drummer...without dem my performane wud surely crash n burn...yeah...

n anws,i'm now permanently in their band...n our band name is koled:'OUR FINAL ATTEMPT'!!!yeah...tts cool...

on a diff note...all oder tings haven change tt much...jus...dark as everiting has been...yeah..oh wells...i dun tink tings will b picking up anitym soon...yeah...n i'm nt actuali worrying 2 much abt it...mayb dis has been my destiny all along...

n anws...2010 is coming soon...4 those of u hu noe me,u noe wad tt means rite? yeah...no more pain in dis world...n de world wud rid itself of de greatest threat 2 society...yeah...de one ppl noe as viprari...

signing out
Viprari™

haiz......

2008-06-15T04:42:00.002+08:00

damn...i'm losing my patience,passion n god noes wad else...its like how i used 2 start off,i dun find any joy in doing wadever i do anymore...n i feel veri moody nowadays...i kinda lost my reason 2 smile,tok,laugh...i feel i'm losing myself...

haiz...wadever i believed was worthed fighting 4,worthed protecting,worthed supporting no longer appeals 2 me...it seems 2 me tt i nd a new reason or oderwise 4 sumone 2 remind me in wad i believe in...i nd a sign...a spark...wadever...as long as it can keep dis fire in me burning...jus one ting...

~jus show me a sign...remind me again wad it was tt i was willing 2 sacrifice 4... tell me again where i belong in dis dreamworld called reality...~

wad went wrong....

2008-06-12T01:28:00.002+08:00

i'm criousli in mass confusion now...i can't eat,i can't sleep...i'm always tinking... haf i done aniting wrong???it seems like de doom i've chosen a few daes back seems like de wrong one 4 me...haiz...haf i really chosen wrongly???haiz...will sumbody jus show me a sign???hmmm...i realli realli nd a guide...show me de path i shud tread...i am lost...a few daes ago it seemed like it was de best choice...now i jus ain't tt certain...it jus seem so wrong...it jus seems tt 2 disappear frm de face of de world was de disappearance of my soul frm myself...i feel worst den wen i started off...if onli sumone wud wake me up or sumting...

~master wind of all eternities...help me choose...u will b de one hu dcides my fate... i haf trust u enuff 2 blif in de news u bring me...now again i will nd ur help... dcide 4 me on wad path i shall take...4 my soul is as lost as a sunked ship...let me ride on ur breeze 2 de path tt is rightfully mine...i will put my faith in u 4 u shall b my guide...~

Stop This Train

2008-06-11T16:52:00.001+08:00

Another nice song tt u shud listen 2...de song is stop this train by john mayer...

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
I don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From finding life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "Help me understand"
He said "Turn sixty-eight"
"You'll re-negotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in a while, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Til you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train.

Details In The Fabric

2008-06-11T16:48:00.002+08:00

This is a song by jason mraz called details in the fabric...its a very nice song... hope u listen 2 it...

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

my disappearing

2008-06-08T06:17:00.002+08:00

i dun realli noe how 2 start,but oh wells,i'll try anws...

n yeah,like de title saes,i am gonna disappear...4 i find no longer any point in staying...2 dose hu will b affected(i dun tink any1 will)i'm sorry but i just have 2 leave...its sumting tt i've been deliberating abt but n i've finally dcided...

i jus hope tt 4 dose of u tt i might haf made a diff in ur lives,u ppl will rmbr all de gd tings i haf tot u all...nt much but yeah,do rmbr dem...n pls,pls rmbr one ting...do nt ever regret any choices tt u haf dcided upon cos regrets will onli make u feel worst... yeah...so dun...

n one more ting...i'm sorry if u tink tt i'm being selfish,but i haf my own reasons 4 doing so...sound or nt sound,dey r my reasons...

wells...i'll b going off now...dis might b de last tym i'm actuali gonna post in here...so i'll jus sae a final gdbye...do nt msg me aft reading dis 4 i will nt reply u...i jus wun...4 i haf dcided my doom n i will live by it...

VIPRARI™
signing off.................................................

wad SHUD i do????

2008-05-29T17:54:00.003+08:00

haiz...i'm kinda confused now...i dunno wad 2 do...oh wells...hmmm... i dun tink she'll b reading dis posts tt i write so it shud b ok...damn...well,i wish she cud read dis entries of mine,but den again...all dis entries wud eventually bore sumone 2 death...

hmmm...i'm criousli kind of feeling down rite now...kol it emo if u wan but...i jus dunno wad 2 do...i mean,yeah,i truly like her a lot,but will it b reciprocated??? my track record hasn't been tt gd n bsides,i keep hearing dis voice inside my head telling me tt she's 2 gd 4 me...i dun wan de past 2 repeat itself,but i kinda dunno wad 2 do criousli...naz tells me i shud jus remain frens wif her...my oder frens tell me tt i shud jus try my luck since i wun noe till i try...honestly,i kinda dun dare... yeah i noe...i'm nt de kinda guy tt wud b so scared easily,but hey,i freeze 2 orite...even superman has a weakness,well,girls r my weakness...haiz...wad a very silly weakness i shud sae...but oh wells...

hmmm...aft de common test she said we'll like hang out 2gether or sumting...i wan 2 but will b a gd idea???i mean,i'm nt de typical bad boy but i'm nt tt nice either...i'm neither here nor dere anywhere...i reali am messed up...i reali wish 2 tell her everiting,but i dun wan 2 lose wad i haf now...i mean,it takes 4ever 2 haf a relationship wif sumone,but it cud take jus one word 2 end it...n i criousli do nt haf de courage 2 find out...haiz...will sumone pls us give me n advice or sumting??? i cud reali use a sound one...

~i wish i cud us tell u how i feel n make dis relationship b more den wad we haf now...but i dun wanna risk losing everiting...if dere's any chance 4 me,any possibility tt we cud ever b 2gether,pls show me a sign...i cannot afford 2 end my vision quest in a tragedy,wich will lead 2 de end of my eternity...~

Viprari™(de man hu does had a weakness)
signing off

jus wad tym is it???

2008-05-24T04:26:00.002+08:00

hey ppl...fuck...its 430 am in de morning n i'm still awake...not tt i dun wan 2, jus tt i can't...anws,i jus realised one ting...my blog doesn't really catch a lot of eyes... wells,if u ask me,tts both a gd ting n a bad ting...its gd cos i can complain abt ppl w/o dem noeing it n bad cos i dun get much attention...oh wells... haha...

anws...i really can't slp now...n i really dun haf aniting 2 do actuali...i'm like criousli bored 2 death rite now la...hmmm...nuting much i CAN do...hmmm...

and...de most fucked up ting is:'an idle mind is de devil's workshop...i'm been tinking a lot dis past few daes...yeah,my mind has been idle...i've criousli been tinking abt a lot a lot of tings...de tings tt i dun wanna rmbr,de tings tt i dun wanna 4get,de tings tt i had gone thru,de tings i wished i had done in my life...n it all actuali boils down 2 one fact...n de fact is,wadever hapens in life,we r sure 2 turn back n sae tings like:'i'm glad i did tt' or 'i wished i did tt' ..but all i wan 2 put across 2 my readers,(YES U!!!!!!!!!)is that dun ever regret wadever u haf done...noe dis,a worst ting den making a mistake is regretting it...dun ever regret but instead learn frm it...i'm nt saying tt its easy...i'm jus saying tt tt is de way 2 b...jus like de saying dun cry over spilled milk...de reason u dun cry is bcos de milk is oreadi spilled...in de same scenario,u can't possibly regret cos de ting already hapened 2 u...yeah...trust me on dis...de world works tt way...

n i've actuali been tinking abt my life...as in where its going n all...2 tell u de truth,i criousli do nt noe...i'm kinda lost rite now...lost 2 de point tt i dun noe where i am,where i came from or where i'm going...like criousli...i criousli do nt noe wad i'm looking 4...its as if tings r jus so...wrong...its as if i did a mistake tt i dun even noe i did sumwhere in my life earlier...its as if i nd sumting but i dunno wad...its as if i'm waiting 4 sum kind of answer,sum kind of sign...oh yeah,n 2 make matters worst,i kinda feel more alone den ever now...my phone tt cud nvr b silent 4 more den 30 min each dae is now eternally silent...its as if everione out dere sudd 4got me or sumting...hmmm...i dun really blame dem but,y all at once???

its reali funny how at one point ur life actuali looks great but actuali its jus a passing cloud tt is masking a really fearsome mountain tt wud catch pilots off guard..its jus so fucked up sumtyms...

~Hell calls me...And the wind that blows beckons me to take a step nearer...Its as if nature and the afterlife are working hand in hand to cast me to an endless sufferring of no measure...But be it powers of nature or the beasts of darkness,i will fight on and bide my time before i enter the eternal abyss~

VIPRARI,
signing out

hmmm.....

2008-05-22T10:11:00.002+08:00

hey ppl,kinda took sometym 2 write here again i shud sae...haha...anws dis past wk has criousli been both an up n down period 4 me la criousli...i'm like feeling so fucked up one moment,den i feel so gd again,den i feel fucked up all over again... oh wells...

anws,i'll tok a bit abt yest's happenings la...yest was de dae i had 2 do a play 4 my SEDP final project...so de original plan was actuali we wud b doing a spoof version of de movie Ironman,wich became Cardboardman in our version la...den last min i found out tt dey wanted 2 cancel de whole ting...like wad!?!?!?!?i was feeling criousli fucked la cos wen dey dcided 2 do de play de first tym,dey all voted 4 ME 2 b de main character cos dey said my personality fitted jus nice...ok fine...den aft tt dey told me i wud haf 2 do my own costume la cos every character will b responsible 4 his or her own costumes...fine...granted...i spend like 10 hrs BETWEEN work n sch jus 2 do de suit...didn't get enough sleep n everiting...n den aft tt dey told me last min it was cancelled...i was reali feeling so fucked up sia in de morning yest...i nvr chose 2 b de main character,i never chose 2 do de suit,n den i suffered all tt 4 nuting...like was sia...

but tings picked up aft tt...since de original plan was cancelled,we criousli needed a plan badly...so we gt one last minute...n i was sumhow stil one of de main characters la...but dis tym,my part wasn't a funny one,my part was de angry brother role...haha...so me n zik had 2 do like a fight scene la cos he was twotiming my sis n everiting...(its jus a play...haha...)den in de middle of my clash wif zik,dere was dis guy hu sudd came into de pic n tried 2 stop us frm fighting...i was like shocked la criousli 2 c him sudd come in out of nowhere... haha...den my oder classmates were like telling him tt it was jus a play n everiting la so he was like oh ok...haha...but anws,tt meant tt our play was a success!!!haha...i really,really felt so proud criousli wen i saw a complete stranger believing our act...haha...

but one ting is 4 certain la...de one hu coordinated de fight scene was....EHEM!!! me of course...haha...i sae its experience...haha...cos i did it b4 in sec sch so i somehow haf a background on it la...haha...

i tink me n my frens shud do it again sumtym...haha...do an acting in public jus 4 de kicks...haha...it'll b super fun dun u tink???

haha...anws i gtg now...haha...i've shared enough i guess...hopefully i'll rmbr 2 post more regularly nxt tym...haha...

c ya...
VIPRARI™
signing out

damn it ar...

2008-05-14T18:10:00.002+08:00

my goodness...i can't believe i'm sick now...like wad de hell...my immune system has been great all along...till 2 daes ago tt is...fuck la...

n tt dae was a super shock 4 me...i was slping n woke up wif a start at 6 am in de morning cos my nose was sudd blocked...so i got up n went 2 de toilet 2 blow my nose...den wad freaked me out de most was cos all tt came out frm my nose was blood...n nt mucus like it shud...n de more freaky ting is cos tt in my whole 18 yrs, my nose has nvr bled at all...tt was how me falling ill n all started...but i was criousli fucking shocked la...

anws,during my SEDP class jus now, de final part of it was discussing abt a play tt we haf 2 create n act out nxt wk la...den dere was dis like confrontation btwn nadyah n zik...all zik did was add in an idea 4 de whole discussion la,but i tink nadyah took it as a challenge 2 her idea or sumting la...she was so confrontational n defensive n everiting la...bottom line,she can b quite stubborn n easily merajok one...like wad de hell la criousli...discussions r called discussions cos everione contributes n nt sumone contributes n de rest works on tt idea cos it HAS 2 b de one...tts criousli nt fair la...

aft tt,we split into 2 groups,one group under nadyah n de other group under zik of cos...n zik's theme was actuali 2 create a play based on de movie ironman, but it will b a spoof version called CARDBOARD MAN!!!like ok.....so it will oso b a comedy play la of cos..n de fucked up ting is,de whole group voted ME 2 b de main character,wich is cardboard man...like wtf criousli...sial ar...dey all sae cos dey nd sumone hu is naturally funny guy...fuck...dey sae tt cardboard man's personality wud surely fit mine...cibai...but oh wells...den sumore nd 2 create de costume n all...haiyo...as if i dun haf enough work on my hands...but den again, luckily i work in starbucks,gt a lot of unused cardboards...haha...

oh wells...i guess i gtg now...nd 2 haf a walk 2 clear de stupid blocked nose...n 2 smoke as well...haha...n 2 meditate on certain stuffs...oh wells...

Viprari,
signing out

VIPRARI

2008-05-12T15:30:00.002+08:00

hey ppl...in de lib now...kinda bored so i tot i'd make an entry...hehe...hmmm... kinda bored now but i jus can't slp so yeah...oh wells...hmmm...

anws,yest i cuden fall aslp again(as owaes...hehe...)so yeah i kinda watched some dvds...2 actuali so yeah...slept quite late...started at arnd 12++ so i slept arnd 4++... de 2nd movie i watch was actuali de movie TOP GUN...haha...tt was de movie frm my childhood daes...one tt emphasizes on Heart,Guts,Soul,Honour.. one tt inspired me to become a pilot...haha...how i love tt dream of mine...2 fly a plane...defend my country thru dogfights...yeah...tt was my childhood dream...but look at me now...neither am i close nor reaching 2wards tt goal...haha...its funny...

oh wells...if i can't b de fastest n most dangerous in de air... i still can be de fastest n most dangerous on land...haha...i noe wad u're tinking... n de answers NO!!!i'm nt gonna b one of dose dangerous drivers hu risk oder ppl's lives at their wanting to feel de adrenaline rush...no way man...

wad i mean is i wanna haf my old body again...or even better...haha...be de fastest n dangerous on foot...tt wud b de best replacement of my old dream... haha...yeah...

n den,finally...i can live up 2 my dream of having a callsign tt will fit my personality...

Callsign:VIPRARI,de fastest n most dangerous...haha...yeah...

Jus watch it

2008-05-10T20:56:00.002+08:00

2dae was kinda fucked up...work i mean...kinda didn't realli feel well wen i came in...but i was busier den hell la...4 several straight hours ppl keep coming in,drinks kept moving in & out,partners moving around like clockwork bees...fuyoh...tt was a fucked up shift...

den aft tt,dere was dis incident wich i nearly blowed my top...i reali felt like losing my cool but den it wuden b worth it if i did...so yeah...dis was wad hapen actuali...u guys tell me whether u guys tink its justifiable wad my partner jessie is getting away wif...full tym partner somemore...fuck ar...

de queue was as long & constant as ever...den we haf de policy of a first come first serve basis...de basic requirement of any f&b line...jessie was at de bar den she had like one or two drinks la...(oh wells,she's nvr fast 2 begin wif...)den sudd dis regular customer comes in n she starts making tt drink first,despite having like 3 other drinks tt were from customers hu came first...i was like wtf???i told her 2 do de other drinks first n do tt drink in line la...she was like so insistent on giving out tt drink first...like wad de hell...i felt jus like giving her one tight slap on de spot sia...blood pressure lvl was oreadi up dere sia...

den one more incident,she did her bar drinks as owaes,nvr fast...did a lot of mess n didn't bother 2 clear it up...aft tt straight away went up 2 top ice aft clearing her drinks WITHOUT cleaning de mess...so i was like fine lor,i clean up de mess...aft tt de frap side was slamming like fuck so i had 2 sent de drinks out first despite having 2 do my own drinks...n wen i wanted 2 start n my drinks,she came in n interrupted me... wtf??? i'm doing my drinks,(not trying 2 b proud but i'm kinda like de most senior partner on de floor at tt tym)n u come in & instead of sending out de frap drinks u take over my deployment???HU DE FUCK DO U TINK U ARE???u make a mess of de whole area,i clean it up 4 u so everione else can use it normally,den u come in,take over my deployment n try 2 mess up de area again????cibai...

knn...if u reali wan 2 go against wad i sae wen u noe tt i haf more exp den u n tt everiting i tell u dere's a reason behind it,i dun c y i shuden lose my cool against u...watch it jessie,watch it...u better watch ur back at all tyms or oderwise i will hit u so hard u'll lose ur job n ur confidence...watch it...

i'm finally back i guess

2008-05-09T13:52:00.002+08:00

hey ppl...back now i guess...haha...hmmm...i kinda 4got tt i had dis ting here... hehe...but now i sudd rmbr so yeah...i'm writing once again...

anws...since de last entry,nuting has been de same la...a lot of tings haf changed... 4 better or 4 worst i criousli haf no idea...oh wells,guess tings haf 2 changed...like de turnover of my workplace frm a formidable force 2 a force wif so many loopholes n everiting...work kinda sux now...if everione frm de old daes left,i wud haf gone as well...

hmmm...now more abt sch life...i've summarised de whole meaning of sch under 3 words...

1)homework
2)stress
3)boring

dis r de onli ting sch gives u...its damn fucked up la...haha...hmmm...i kinda dun reali look 4ward 2 going 2 sch dis yr...esp since i'm in diff classes n all...i'm kinda like a jumper now...i dun reali haf a specific class tt i belong 2...i'm kinda a part of a lot of diff classes...like wtf...its kinda fun n...well...fucked up at de same tym... kinda like dun haf a sense of belonging anywhere...yeah... hmmm...oh wells...jus gotta try my best 2 brush thru dis stupid semester n make it 2 de nxt... tts de onli goal i haf now...2 jus graduate frm dis poly...

on a diff not however,i jus wanna sae tt,i've been blind ALL DIS WHILE!!!!u've seen de posts last tym abt me trying 2 court diff girls n all right??i actually 4got abt de one girl,de reason y i came 2 np...like wtf...tt dae wen i saw her n she approached me,i was like so shocked...fuck sia,i feel kinda guilty n bad tt i 4got abt her...oh wells,hopefully my suspicions abt her haf been right all dis while la...if nt den i'll b on my journey again...hmmm...guess i'll haf 2 try my luck again...

hehe...long tym nvr write n dis post so long oreadi...haha...hmmm...i'll jus end here den...n 2 dose hu haf been waiting 4 an update esp,HERE IT IS!!!! haha... orite den...ray out...

small tings shuden b taken lightly,neither shud big tings...

2007-11-19T11:44:00.000+08:00

i've been tinking abt it alot...alot alot...i reali am starting 2 miss my starbucks family a whole lot...i feel veri sad n down n alone all at once...first my 2 sisters, lynda n charmaine haf gone...now 1 of my bros,han n his gf,kai ting,are oso leaving...den de oders hu i dun consider my siblings but part of de family r oso leaving...i actuali knew all dis were gonna hapen...i jus didn't expect it 2 hapen so fast...so fast till i didn't noe wad hit me wen it did...haiz...

i oreadi had a tok wif my bro,kiat,hu's staying in de store abt it...yeah,we both agreed tt tings r nvr gonna b de same again...as much as me n him r making jokes abt han leaving n so on n so forth,but stil...i noe tt deep inside his heart bleeds as much as mine...its nt as though he didn't expect all dis 2 hapen...but he,like me, had oreadi expected their departure,onli tt he oso didn't noe it wud b hapening so fast...

damn it...as much as i noe i wun enjoy de work dere anymore,i noe i wud haf 2 stay on...cos i haf 2 earn 4 my own living in a relatively flexible working hours environment...n oso i've oreadi committed myself 2 sb-ps...if i oso leave de store any tym soon,dere's no telling wad wud hapen 2 de store,wad wud hapen 2 kiat, wad wud hapen 2 lawrence...dere's no telling wad wud hapen...

haiz...my family...if any of u guys r reading dis,wich i veri much doubt,i jus wanna tell u tt i miss each n everione of u all so veri much...i wished we cud all stick 2gether but i noe u all wud leave sumdae...jus as i will leave in 2 yrs tym or sooner if i get a better job offer...but i will stay 4 as long as i can...4 tt place was where i found my family n it holds alot of memories 4 me...

oh well...i jus hope tt we all can stil mit up regularly guys...4 u guys haf made de deepest impressions in my heart...

everibody's changing n nuting feels de same

2007-11-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

A lot of tings r gonna change veri soon...n not all r dose tt i approved of...its nt like i wish 4 everiting 2 hapen but dey r happening...hmmm...

my gd partners in starbucks r leaving one by one...in de end dere's onli gonna b onli 3 reliable partners left...onli a manager,lawrence,a full timer,kiat,n a part timer,me...but in any case,i noe tt i wun b able 2 stay long myself...n 2 c de place tt i kol hme going down jus like tt...on my part,tt is veri irresponsible...but den again, hu i am 2 sae?de pay itself is nt tt gd so of cos ppl wud haf 2 find a better job or sumting...haiz...its gonna b a veri diff environment altogether frm now on...

on a diff note...or more or less de same...hmmm...dere's one ting tt owaes boders me...n stil is though...hmmm...i've found out tt i'm a person hu owaes wish 4 tings tt i can nvr haf...well...i guess its nt sumting tt jus found recently la...but...its playing in my head veri often dis few daes...haiz...

n de funi ting is...wadever i wished 4 is nt dose veri expensive stuffs or any materialistic stuffs...i jus wish 2 get a companion...but i guess its sumting nt within my means...hmmm...

oh well...sumbody hu has so much bravery n recklessness is such a coward wen it cums 2 wooing girls...haiz...u can ask me 2 help u out in fight,u can ask me 2 do death defying stuffs,but i freeze wen it cums 2 girls...haiz...

damn it...everitings changing while i stil stay de same...is tt reali a sign tt saes i shud b dis lonely 4ever?it feels so so fucked up...

Iris-Goo Goo Dolls

2007-11-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste in this moment
And all I can breath is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that aint coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

hello again...its me...

2007-11-12T12:06:00.001+08:00

hey...quite long since i updated so yeah...i tot i'll slowly return back 2 blogging... hmmm...

first tings first...nt much tings has been happening since de last tym i blogged in here so i guess dun haf aniting much 2 update abt...

anws,rite now i'm playing a game koled need 4 speed most wanted...guess its nt so bad cos i can play de game 4 hrs on end...hahax...its quite sumting i shud sae... n yest i managed 2 beat de cops at their best lvl...i guess i am de best racer arnd...hahax...but den again...i am de speed demon...hahax...

hmmm...n lately...i've oreadi found my anthem...i guess i can safely sae tt i've found de sound of my life...its de song koled iris by a band name goo goo dolls... so yeah...my song frm now on...

hmmm..nt reali having aniting else 2 sae now...n i guess i've oreadi written a fair sum???well,i guess i'll stop here for now...till my next entry den...RazorStingX signing off...

PS:if u do noe me,do try 2 remind me to blog yeah??cud use de reminder once in a while...hahax...

move on ray,lonely wolf of de howling wind

2007-08-28T00:25:00.001+08:00

i guess i noe wad my fault is now...i am 2 stuck in de life of my past...tts it..no more...i can't do it any more...oderwise i will nvr make it thru alive...gt 2 hooked up in de past till i can't slp,i can't eat,i can't rest...enuff is enuff...i will haf 2 move on...4 gd...hmmm...

haiz...mayb i shud start doing sum drastic changes 2 my life again...to end all my misery...dey sae he hu makes a beast out of himself,gets rid of all de pain of being a man...mayb tt shud b me...de beast frm hell...de lonely wolf i was once but i condemned 2 stay away frm...

hmmm...i had a tot jus now as i was boarding de train 4 work...wud it b better if my past didn't occur?wud it b wise 2 travel back in tym 2 de tym wen i was in sec 2 if i cud n switch places wif de young n innocent me n make sure all my past didn't hapen anyway...made sure i studied hard 4 my secondary sch...made sure i didn't accept her1elp wen she offered 2 help me...made sure i retaliated de dae her1godbro brought her12 c me n scold me 4 all de scars i had on my hands... made sure i didn't started hanging out wif her1 n her1 frens n start taking religious lessons frm her1...made sure i didn't koled her n tok on de fon 4 hour on end...made sure i didn't write on de table 2 communicate wif her2 wen i saw her2's name in de table n wanted 2 get 2 noe her2...made sure i didn't try 2 get 2 noe her3 n hanged out wif her3 on all dose late nitez...made sure i didn't go thru all dose shit 2 harden up my life...made sure i didn't haf 2 live my life in regret 4 doing all dose tings wen dey jus ended up worst den anyone cud haf imagined...

if mayb i had done all dis,den mayb i wud haf been able 2 make sure i wuden haf 2 hear her1 saying thx to me wen i asked 4 a break up cos her1 had lost all her feelings 4 me...i cud make sure her2 wun b able 2 go wif my best fren n i ended up looking like de fool hu wud wait 4ever 4 an answer tt cuden exist...i cud make sure her3 wuden haf 2 admit she went wif me bcos she pitied me wen i broke up wif her...darn...so many regrets in my life...how i reali wish i cud turn back tym...n change my worn past...

haiz...damn it...i will try n try my hardest 2 4get tt my past reali existed wif dis 3 girls in my life...try n try 2 4get tt my past had existed in de first place... try n try 2 jus b me...

~i reali dun wan my past,dun care abt de present,dun give a damn abt de future...i jus wan my life back...

*4get ray...4get everiting...as if dey nvr hapened...jus rmbr one ting...u r a wolf hu has no past...u nvr had 1...*

challenges arrive wen u least expect dem...

2007-08-23T19:09:00.000+08:00

its funi isn't it?wen u r least prepared n least expecting it,challenges appear jus like tt...n wen u tink u're prepared enuff 4 it,de challenges sumhow seem 2 b more complicate den wad u were expecting...hmmm...jus sumting i tot of randomly actuali...nuting 2 do wif my dae at all...hahax...

anws,i guess yest n 2dae wasn't my dae at all...so many tings didn't turn out rite...wadever it was,punctuality,workload,quality of service...all weren't rite...

yest

first ting was tt i arrive late for my work due to de rain n 2 de ppl hu dunnoe how fully utilize de space inside an mrt carriage!!!i had 2 forego like 5 trains...like wad de fuck...it was like fucking crowded at de doors but yet dere was empty spaces here n dere in de middle of de carriage... damn it...den at redhill sum1 pressed de emergency intercom or sumting cos dere was dis lady hu fainted...den de train was delayed at redhill n tiong bahru 4 like 10 min each... wad de hell...

den reach my workplace,had to food sampling wif customers cos i was late n it jus hapened 2 b de tym tt my manager wanted 2 do food samping wif customers...wah...i wuden mind doing de food sampling wif customers actuali... tt is if i wasn't sick n my voice was like a toad croaking...haiz...

den aft tt my manager 4got 2 send me for my break so i had to go for my break late...wah...den sumore instead of going off at 4 i had 2 go off at 6...all de tym working like a dog bcos gt 2 many ppl hu wanted 2 spend their money in starbucks...haiyo...hmmm...if tt wasn't bad enuff...

2dae

i came earlier 4 my shift...den everiting went smoothly...until dis stupid lady hu wanted 2 write in a complain bcos her knife was dirty...in fact de knife wasn't dirty at all...it was jus tt dere were spots on de knife due 2 de fact tt it was wet n wasn't wiped dry but left 2 dry by evaporation of de water...haiyo...n it was me hu gave de customer tt knife...my god...

den jus now had 2 go off late again cos;yet again;dere were 2 any ppl hu wanted 2 spend their money in starbucks...haiyo...my pay better be worth it or else i'd b working like a dog 4 nuting lor...haiya...

anws...on a diff note...i'm in training now 2 b a true gentleman...even though i dun actuali noe where 2 start...kinda lost in between,neither being here nor dere...yeah...even though sum ppl tell me tt i oreadi am a gentleman compared to oders,i noe i'm nt dere yet...tts for sure...i'm stil nt yet a true gentleman... but i'll make it dere sumhow...i'm sure...anws,if at any tym u find me nt being patient or a gentleman,pls do point out 2 me...i will work on it...

~owaes expect de unexpected,travel de road less travelled,walk de path of mystery n explore de unknown~

wow...didn't noe i cud ever b dis intelligent 2 cum up wif a phrase like dis... hahax...

nice blog eh?hehehe...

2007-08-11T22:54:00.000+08:00

yo...like my new blog?hahax...its more deviant n everiting...hahax...it feels as if i haf a new blog altogether...hahax...anws,credit goes 2 xiaoqing,or huiqing...(i dun reali noe wich is ur name...mind telling me?)hahax...anws...

i lost my fon in de early hrs of national dae...suay rite?actuali it wasn't lost la but stolen...2gether wif my wallet...hmmm...but i guess wads done is done...no use harping over it...

2dae went to celebrate derek's bdae aft work...hahax...hapi bdae dude...we ate at breeks den aft tt play pool...n as a closing event,we ate cheesecakes frm starbucks(sponsored by me...hehehe)in public!!!hahax...how often do u c dis kind of activities?hahax...n we took many crazy pics la,esp me...hehehe...

anws,reali had a gd tym 2dae la...even though dere were onli 5 of us,i wuden haf missed it 4 de world!!!hahax...can't wait 4 de nxt outing...mayb on my bdae??? hahax...but anws,i reali felt gd,cos de oder 3 had presents 4 him but i didn't...but i guess i did give him sumting aft all...a free drink earlier in de aftnn,n a paid cheesecake in de evening...hapi bdae derek!!!hope u enjoyed urself as much as i did...yeah...

anws,gtg now...peace out ppl...n feel free 2 utilize my new blog...hehehe...n thx again xiaoqing,or huiqing...hahax...

wen all tings end,n tings can't n wun turn out rite,n wen i'm uneasy wif confrontation,i will seek refuge in de darkest corners of my heart,where i will heal my scars n seek refuge...build my sanctuary frm within,n make a beast out of myself...as i was b4...

~de lonely wolf of de howling wind~

Lone Wolf once again...yet again...

2007-08-07T10:16:00.000+08:00

hmmm...quite sumtym since i blogged here...nt tt i had much tym 2 myself anws... but hell,guess i'm back...a lot of tings haf been happening though...but its nt like i was expecting 4 all of it 2 hapen...tings jus hapen i guess...n i'm de one hu's forced 2 drop 2 de ground n stay there...n i'm tired of it,tired of oways having 2 get up again n start over...hell...

last thurs i felt so down...as if hell bought my soul at a veri low price n then dumped it back cos it was 2 useless...anws,dis is what hapened pretty much...

i noe of dis girl...i guess i was a bit 2 blind 2 haf onli taken her signs as a gd ting n nt de flipside wich it cud b...but...haiz...its nt totally my fault,cos she in a way lied 2 me as well...hmmm...i asked her whether she had a guy or nt,she asked me y...i told her sum cock n bull story so i wuden b obvious...den i asked her,"so tt means u're attached la?"...n she said:"i didn't sae tt"...hmmm...n i found out tt sat tt she had a bf...for nearly a year readi...fuck...wad was a guy like me supposed 2 tink?i'm nt veri gd wif girls...i'm nt able 2 tell wad it is she was hinting tt accurately...wad de hell...

i reali feel so sucky...i'm 2 naive 2 de extend tt ppl can lie 2 me wif their eyes closed...haiz...i haf 2 grow reliant on myself n myself onli...no longer shall i wan 2 get 2 noe more ppl 2 lead 2 my own downfall...enuff is enuff...no longer shall i b a victim of my own naivety...hell no...

stupidity has no oder meaning so similar 2 it like farid....

2007-07-09T17:06:00.000+08:00

hmmm...its easier said den done...u can make a dcision so easily but how u carry it out is like so diff...its anoder ting all 2gether...i noe i haf made a dcision 2 get over my past so i'll b able 2 move on 2 de future jus like tt...but like i said,words r onli words...wad u sae isn't wad u usualli mean...i noe it sounds weak of me,but i'v been trying n trying 4 hell noes how many tyms 2 cover up de wounds but 2 no avail...its been like 2-3 yrs n its stil de same...i jus feel so fucked up now...

its nt as if i nvr tried,i tried so hard yet i get de same ting...wad reali boders me de most is tt i onli had 2 sae sumting 2 get it all,onli 2 keep quiet n b 2 late n lose everiting jus like tt...fuck up...i was jus 2 scared at tt tym...scared...i was oreadi scarred once n i didn't wan 2 b scarred again...n it onli ended up wif me being 2 late...n 2 get laughed at silently by everi1...its nt as if it was a silent affair...so many ppl asked me:'hey,i tot u were chasing aft erna?how cum she's wif afiq now?'wad did u tink i wud sae?n wud tt b easy 2 4get?all dose mocking faces trying 2 act as if dey symphatized wif me...all dose mornings 2 end up waking in de morning jus 2 c dem both 2gether...all dose nites trying 2 slp onli 2 end up imagining dem laughing at me wif mock superiority...all dose daes waking up onli 2 dread going 2 sch n facng de same ting over n over n over again...

haiz...n 2 tink it onli took one song 2 open up de chapters again...a song wif a meaning so sharp it was like a knife reopeing my wounds...hmmm...

~wad hurts de most,is being so close~

*tym,effort n hell noes wad brought me closer 2 u onli 2 end up both of u telling me i'm jus nt gd enuff*

my life as it is....

2007-07-04T09:37:00.000+08:00

hmmm....my past is haunting me dis past few daes....haunting as in i feel like i'm relieving everiting again....as if wadever i went thru,i'm going thru it again....it wud b jus fine 4 me if my past jus came as memories n nt as anoder exp i haf 2 go thru....

arnd 4 daes ago,i had a tok wif one of my bros....telling him how fucked up i feel n all....it was as if i jus had 2 haf an avenue 4 everiting 2 b out....i feel so bad abt everiting....abt trying 2 help oders but end up making their plight worst....abt trying 2 impress oders noeing tt will nvr hapen...abt trying 2 meet expectations tt i noe i can't ever meet....abt trying 2 b sum1 i'm nt....abt trying my best nt 2 let any1 done wen i noe i'm so close 2 it oreadi....n blif it or nt,i did broke down aft all....yup....me,a strong,independent,lone wolf....i cud cry....t was shocking....n a few daes ago i tot i'd 4gotten how 2 cry cos it was a veri emotionally disturbing dae but stil de tears nvr wanted 2 cum out....

but now i noe one ting tt i must do....i have 2 get over de past....i haf 2 get rid of de mindset i haf tt i will let down or disappoint a lot of ppl...i haf 2 get it into my head tt de crazy farid has been gone 4 2 long n its abt tym he came back....all dis r a must....oderwise farid might jus disappear 4ever....n nvr even haf a chance 2 get a 2nd try....

~wen hell was nvr a part of u,dun even try 2 tink abt it....oderwise,u'll haf 2 face more den jus hell~

ACHING ALL OVER????

2007-06-29T23:03:00.000+08:00

like wad my nick saes,my body is aching all over...i really feel as though i've advanced my age 4 like 10 yrs...i had dis revelation yesterdae wen i was working-i cuden even bend down without my leg joints aching!!!i guess i criousli nd 2 rest more...

anws,dere was dis funny incident t hapen onde bus while i was on de way 2 my workplace...as usual,de bus was crowded so i had 2 stand...den a few stops later dere was dis girl hu boarded de bus n stood rite in front of me...rite in front as like nt even 40 cm away...n she was quite pretty 2...hehehe...but anws,aft a while of her standing in front of me,a bus conductor came on board 2 check our ezlink cards 2 check whether we tapped or nt or wad nt lah...den cos she was standing in front of me,she saw my ezlink card as i passed it 2 de conductor...n u noe wad hapen?she den turned arnd n gave me a sort of unbelieving look!!!de kind of doubtful look u get wen ppl tink u're joking!!!den i was tinking...do i look tt old tt i can't b in poly?cool...hahax...

anws,yest work was quite tough cos we were down by one partner hu cuden make it...so frm 9 onwards dere was onli 3 of us left on de floor 2 handle de customers...den wen de oder partner had 2 go 4 her break,i was left wif de manager on de floor...jus de 2 of us...n a whole lot of customers hu jus dun stop cuming...wah...tired like hell aft tt...but i pity my manager more cos she had 2 do de drinks while i took de orders...dere was one tym wen she ask me 2 slow down cos i was going 2 fast...but at de end of de dae,we were quite contented cos we made it thru tt dark tym...hahax...

on a diff note however,tmr is de dae i'm gonna quit smoking...jus lke tt...sounds impossible huh?but it will b done...even though i'm a heavy smoker now,i'm sure tt tt fact will nt prevent me frm quitting...as easy as one puff goes in,tt will b how easy it is 4 me 2 quit...yup...anws,gtg nw...wan 2 slp...nd 2 replenish my energy for all de future daes i used up 4 boosting my energy recently...yup...chiowz...

everiting n nuting

2007-06-27T11:11:00.000+08:00

its been quite sumtym since i updated...fuck,so many tings haf happened in such a short period of tym...like-

1)making dcisions is one ting,going thru wif it is totally anoder

2)i'm quitting smoking soon

3)sch's started

4)i'm able 2 slp on a bed again finally

5)i'm so fucking tired nowadays cos nt enuff slp,my body aches all over

6)my memories haunting me

7)my fucking laptop was invaded by a fucking trojan virus

so aft u read all dis,all i can sae is tt,i feel SO FUCKED UP NOW!!!haiz...shud haf regularly upgraded my anti-virus software...haiz...n i can't even reformat my com now,de cd can't load...

n abt point number 5,me n sadiq n akmal n arfah went 2 cck 2gether,de 3 of us guys going dere 2 chill wif anoder fren while arfah lives dere...den we cancelled cos tt fren onli wanted cigarretes...den we tot of chilling under arfah's block cos de place dere was peaceful,or so she said...i den found out she lived at blk 407!!! what de fuck sia!!!jus bside blk 406 summore...2 dose hu noe,u'd understand wad i mean...4 dose hu dun,i guess its jus rite 4 me 2 tell u guys...

hmmm...de story goes like dis...i had a liking 4 dis girl living in cck...she lived at blk 406...i rmbred de tym wen i wanted 2 jio her,it was de period of tym wen she wanted 2 study,n a tym wen she told me tt it was boring 4 her 2 stay hme all nite... so i accompanied her la at nite...me living in bukit gombak cycling 4 dun noe how many daes straight aft sch hrs going 2 mit her...n dere was even once wen i cycled in de rain jus 2 mit her...aft a while of 'suffering' i went thru,i tot we shared sumtng...but den again...

den wen i finally gt 2gether wif her,i tot i was finally having a lucky break...n tt was wen i doubted her feelings 4 me...u noe how it seems wen ppl dun reali wan 2 reply ur msgs?but instead dey reply jus bcos dey dun wan 2 dissapoint u?i gt tt feeling frm her msgs cos most of her replies were often less den 5 words...so wen i finally asked her 4 a break,dis is wad she told me(roughly):

'actuali wen u sounded me,i accepted u cos i didn't wan u 2 take it 2 hard...'

dis line will 4ever b i my memory cos it was de line tt made me realise sumtings...

am i tt fucking pitiful?

am i tt miserable tt ppl haf 2 pity me?

am i tt weak tt ppl dun tink i can take aniting?

am i tt fucking stupid 2 haf tot tt wad i wished 4 wud cum true?

am i tt naive 2 haf actuali believed sum1 wud help me wif my loneliness?

am i tt idiotic 2 haf believed tt i wud ever,ever get a fucking lucky break?

i will rmbr tt dae cos it tot me 2 b independent...dun put ur expectations on oders...dun count on oders 2 give u strength...dun count on oders 2 help u frm ur loneliness...u can trust oders but nvr ever expect aniting in return...u r wad u r... jus bcos derer oders arnd u dosen mean u can ever b diff 2 dem...

my past haunts me like a ghost haunting a house...its nt leaving anitym soon n tts wad worries me...damn it...hmmm...

gtg now...my soul is shaking aft dis post...i feel...pain...as if i'm relieving my bad past once again...as if history's repeating...darn it...

~wen de last bell chimes,my soul fade away...n wen tt tym cums,2 de ends of de earth i will go...where my soul breaks away...~

2007-06-18T21:18:00.000+08:00

stuck at de crossroads of life
one side goes 2 life de oder 2 death
as i hear de last bells chimes
i rmbr wad wrong i've done
looking 4 strength 2 protect myself
looking 4 weapons 2 fight oders
looking 4 money 2 impress oders
but my heart's kol was nvr answered
n now as i look back
n ponder wad i shud do
at de crossroads i recalled
2 find tt shape 4 my heart

nt much...but wad i found i had similar 2 de song...i haf 2 start changing mylife 2 suit de new goal i must get...

jus at hme...

2007-06-18T19:56:00.000+08:00

2dae i had a veri eye-opening revelation...i didn't slp till arnd 5 yest n de whole tym i was searching 4 dis song wich i heard on de radio went i was at my workplace...i kinda 4got abt de song till i heard of it yest...n wen i reached hme,i spent sum tym searching 4 de song n de lyrics... wen i listen 2 de song alone while everitng was quiet in de wee hrs of de morn,i nearly cried...it was as if a spectrum of emotions hit me all at once...my heart felt like it was stabbed,shaken, crushed n everiting else...de name of de song is shape of my heart by sting...de lyrics below:

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He don't play for respect

He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of a probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

CHORUS
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades

CHORUS

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one

Well, those who speak know nothin'
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

CHORUS

That's not the shape, the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, the shape of my heart

hmmm...de lyrics might nt seem much...but wen de music is added as well a new effect is generated...yup...a combination enuff 2 make de worst of all ppl,me,close 2 shedding tears... hmmm...look 4 de song guys n listen 2 it...n tell me wad u tink of it...

after work...tired leh...

2007-06-17T19:00:00.000+08:00

was late 4 work 2dae...damn it...was supposed 2 start work at 815 but woke up at like 9 plus!!!!wad de fuck...den gt 2 work n a cab...fucking hell,waited 4 a cab 4 15 min like fuck sia...felt so sian...actuali felt like taking mc but den didn't wan 2 b irresponsible...so jus came down...jus like tt wiped out $20 frm my pocket cos took cab 10 bucks den bought cigarettes(i was feeling fucking fucked up!!!)n tt costs anoder 10 bucks...haiz...so sian...20 more daes 2 pay dae...n de most fucking ting is tt its onli 10 daes since my last pay dae n i've used up all of it... 2 much enjoyment readi...damn it...hmmm...

anws...i'm so bored rite now la...gt nuting 2 do...i tink i nd more rest nowadays, realise tt jus now wen i woke up late...but den again,i noe tt my life has most probably been cut down by half cos i've been like using up my slp hours n future energies 4 de present...haiz...tts wad hapens wen u haf 2 much responsbilities... n at a young age 2...haiz...but den again,wads lif without hardships?u can't possibly b dependent on oders all de tym...a tym wud cum wen u haf 2 count on urself 2 face de world...guess de tym 4 me started a bit 2 early...but hu cares... hmmm...

finally...i wan 2 dedicate dis part 2 a person hu jus bcame my fren...she's in thailand now on vacation...i've onli jus gotten 2 noe her...she's a veri nice person n dis makes me wan 2 noe her more...hu noes,dere might even b a possibility 4 more den a frenship...but lets nt get my hopes 2 high shall we...tings might nt turn like wad i wud wish 4...but anws,i hope u enjoy ur tym dere...haf fun n wen u cum back hope u're refreshed enuff aft de vacation...hope 2 hear frm u soon... n thx again 4 being my fren...:)

boring....brings out emo-ness....

2007-06-16T21:08:00.001+08:00

im jus bored la rite now so i'll add in another post...hmmm...i feel down dis daes...ppl r asking me 4 advices i can provide dem...but each tym i give dem advise,i feel bad cos i can help oders but i can't help myself...its been like 4ever...i get ppl 2gether,i cheer dem up,i help dem out here n dere whenever i can...but wad did i get?i'm nt trying 2 sae tt its my turn 2 receive help frm oders... but... it sucks wen u noe u can do so much more but de reason is u r veri much afraid...i dare 2 help oders succeed but...i dun dare 2 c myself succeed... i jus can't...

n on anoder note...
i tink its tym i start tinking abt myself instead of oders first...cos i'm kinda tinking tt its unfair being selfish 2 urself by being unselfish 2 oders...but is it reali de rit ting 2 do?is it reali de rite choice 4 me?wad if tings turn out 4 de worst wen i start 2 change?wad if de whole world goes against me bcos i'm starting 2 b more of myself den of oders?wad if?wad if?

honestly i tink i'm tinking 2 much...but den again,me n my fren had a tok once tt dere's no such ting as tinking 2 much...its either u tink 2 much or u dun tink at all...hmmm...wad de heck...my feelings as of now is veri weak...i reali get de feeling tt my future is lost n tt my past is beyond redemption...tt leaves me wif de present,sumting wich i'm losing hold of soon...

hmmm...wad i reali nd rite now wud b a drink...sumting 2 get me drunk n 2 pour my heart out...i haf a lot of tings 2 sae but i dun noe how 2 put dem into words... n bsides,i might jus bore ppl 2 death...damn it...i feel so fucked up now...

anws...gtg now...i tink i nd a smoke...oderwise i might die trying 2 get hme 2nite... peace out everibody...

Woah

2007-06-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

hey...wads up ppl...finally i haf a blog of my own...quite long to fruition...hahax...anws...hope 2 hear frm everione's comments n i hope t i can update my blog everidae...cheers ppl!