Monday, February 28, 2011 I'm burning up with a fever of my own choiceGoing into a person's past is not that easy and it is not really that enjoyable... While it is true people may think that it is fun to be able to know a person inside out,it is definitely with a price...When you go into some one's past,you experienced what they did,what they went through and you feel everything...I shuddered a lot yesterday when I closed my eyes...It hurts...I had a feeling this was gonna happen but I never knew it was this bad... Then again,I was never the type to get deterred so easily...So I guess I will still go ahead and enter people's past as long as I know I'll be able to help them... Doing so will hurt me a great deal as well but I will continue doing it even if it destroys my very being...This will either be my glory,or it will be my downfall... ~Pictures tell you a story about someone in a clearer sense...Looking at photos means an intrusion of privacy...I cringe everytime I look so I try not to...~
[ burning out ] at 2/28/2011 02:18:00 PM
Thursday, February 24, 2011 RealisationsA new post after so long huh?Oh wells...Certain incidents that have happened recently have made me realise a lot of things...This is gonna be one freaking long post,but I guess its okay since I do need to let it out...
First things first,my used-to-be best buddy in secondary school Afiq is currently in a coma...I know that I had a 'bad history' with him and all...And I did say a lot of nasty stuffs before I knew the severity of his condition and all...Guess all that changed when I saw him lying down in his ward in the ICU at NUH...It also shocked me to actually find out that he only has a slim chance of recovering... At that point of time every single thing that he did to me and my reason for hating him so much just seemed so small,useless and petty...It just made me question everything and anything at that point of time...All the hatred I had for him just seemed so...Wrong...All I honestly want for him now is to just wake up... Whatever happens then I honestly don't give a damn...I just want him to wake up...When he revealed to me that he had backstabbed me,he made me promise not to hurt him...And I've honoured that promise till today,I haven't laid a finger on him yet...So he owes me that much...He's gotta wake up...
Currently I've been trying to get in contact with all his friends in secondary school in hoping that we'll be able to raise some money for his family since his dad is no longer working and all...His dad was working as a driver for a mover's company and since that requires a lot of concentration,he quit so he could stay together with his most beloved son...I've been getting a lot of responses so far and I hope this will go a long way for his family...I will do everything in my power as long as it will help him or his family...
I know a lot of people wonder why I'm doing this for him after whatever he's put me through...My reason is pretty simple,I do this for honour...Any honourable person would not take away the life of one already fallen in front of them,no matter how immoral or dishonourable that person may be...And besides,I am the better man...
On other issues,when me and Nazri went to the hospital the second time,we met up with Erna and her friend...They wanted to visit him as well...So happens that I tried my luck with psychological analysis on her friend...Again I scored full marks...Shows that this talent of mine is real after all...Its the second time I've got a positive result and it just furthers my interest in psychology...
Anyways,on that day that we met them both at the hospital,it started a whole chain reaction that made me question a lot of things about myself...Her friend in a way kept praising me about my intellect and my 'bravery' when I stopped the lift door for another passenger...This things which to me seemed normal now just seems abnormal...Am I really this type of person??
Again that led to another thing...In light of recent events that brought us reminders of the past,Erna wanted to share with her friend what actually happened since they were quite close and she didn't want to hide anything... She was worried of how it would affect their friendship and so she consulted me...So I just asked her to forward to me whatever was it that she told her friend,word for word...My reaction to that was actually:"Wah she made me sound like a saint or something"...Hmmm...I know its not right for me to question any parts of myself but I can't help it...It seems to me now that what I thought was a normal part of a person isn't as normal as I what I thought it should be...It just seems...Wrong... Yet again...When I say wrong I am not talking about anyone else but just myself actually...It just feels weird that what I felt was the basic thing to do is something extra in a sense...Hmmm...
Another thing that is bothering me is when so many people keep telling me that this brain of mine is such a gift that they want it...They do see the benefits I'm having with it but do they know of the other side that it comes from?Honestly, what happen to all the getting to know people through talking to them?From how I see it,it kinda feels uncomfortable because I do not have to wait till a person tells me his/her side of the story because I already know...Its an awkward feeling...And another about this cursed brain of mine,it is so bent on understanding and knowing others that I do not know myself...My sis,Erna, kinda sort of randomly asked me:"What cheers a guy up"?I couldn't give a definite answer about myself because I realise that there was nothing that could cheer me up...With that I also realise that whatever I do and wherever I go,I carry all emotions with me so I am never feeling an exact emotion...Its like I can be happy one minute and raging with anger the next second...That's just not good...I thought I had perfect control of which masks I put on...But currently, being faced with so many questions of myself,I myself am not sure anymore... Hmmm...Guess that will be all for now...That's a hell of a lot of things to say the minute I got back to this blog...Oh wells...This will serve as a good reminder when you read this again Rayzor Timber...Survive these times well...
