Monday, July 09, 2007 stupidity has no oder meaning so similar 2 it like farid....hmmm...its easier said den done...u can make a dcision so easily but how u carry it out is like so diff...its anoder ting all 2gether...i noe i haf made a dcision 2 get over my past so i'll b able 2 move on 2 de future jus like tt...but like i said,words r onli words...wad u sae isn't wad u usualli mean...i noe it sounds weak of me,but i'v been trying n trying 4 hell noes how many tyms 2 cover up de wounds but 2 no avail...its been like 2-3 yrs n its stil de same...i jus feel so fucked up now... its nt as if i nvr tried,i tried so hard yet i get de same ting...wad reali boders me de most is tt i onli had 2 sae sumting 2 get it all,onli 2 keep quiet n b 2 late n lose everiting jus like tt...fuck up...i was jus 2 scared at tt tym...scared...i was oreadi scarred once n i didn't wan 2 b scarred again...n it onli ended up wif me being 2 late...n 2 get laughed at silently by everi1...its nt as if it was a silent affair...so many ppl asked me:'hey,i tot u were chasing aft erna?how cum she's wif afiq now?'wad did u tink i wud sae?n wud tt b easy 2 4get?all dose mocking faces trying 2 act as if dey symphatized wif me...all dose mornings 2 end up waking in de morning jus 2 c dem both 2gether...all dose nites trying 2 slp onli 2 end up imagining dem laughing at me wif mock superiority...all dose daes waking up onli 2 dread going 2 sch n facng de same ting over n over n over again... haiz...n 2 tink it onli took one song 2 open up de chapters again...a song wif a meaning so sharp it was like a knife reopeing my wounds...hmmm... ~wad hurts de most,is being so close~ *tym,effort n hell noes wad brought me closer 2 u onli 2 end up both of u telling me i'm jus nt gd enuff*
[ burning out ] at 7/09/2007 05:06:00 PM
Wednesday, July 04, 2007 my life as it is....hmmm....my past is haunting me dis past few daes....haunting as in i feel like i'm relieving everiting again....as if wadever i went thru,i'm going thru it again....it wud b jus fine 4 me if my past jus came as memories n nt as anoder exp i haf 2 go thru....
arnd 4 daes ago,i had a tok wif one of my bros....telling him how fucked up i feel n all....it was as if i jus had 2 haf an avenue 4 everiting 2 b out....i feel so bad abt everiting....abt trying 2 help oders but end up making their plight worst....abt trying 2 impress oders noeing tt will nvr hapen...abt trying 2 meet expectations tt i noe i can't ever meet....abt trying 2 b sum1 i'm nt....abt trying my best nt 2 let any1 done wen i noe i'm so close 2 it oreadi....n blif it or nt,i did broke down aft all....yup....me,a strong,independent,lone wolf....i cud cry....t was shocking....n a few daes ago i tot i'd 4gotten how 2 cry cos it was a veri emotionally disturbing dae but stil de tears nvr wanted 2 cum out.... but now i noe one ting tt i must do....i have 2 get over de past....i haf 2 get rid of de mindset i haf tt i will let down or disappoint a lot of ppl...i haf 2 get it into my head tt de crazy farid has been gone 4 2 long n its abt tym he came back....all dis r a must....oderwise farid might jus disappear 4ever....n nvr even haf a chance 2 get a 2nd try.... ~wen hell was nvr a part of u,dun even try 2 tink abt it....oderwise,u'll haf 2 face more den jus hell~
