`does the moon hear my cries?*

Friday, June 29, 2007
ACHING ALL OVER????

like wad my nick saes,my body is aching all over...i really feel as though i've advanced my age 4 like 10 yrs...i had dis revelation yesterdae wen i was working-i cuden even bend down without my leg joints aching!!!i guess i criousli nd 2 rest more...

anws,dere was dis funny incident t hapen onde bus while i was on de way 2 my workplace...as usual,de bus was crowded so i had 2 stand...den a few stops later dere was dis girl hu boarded de bus n stood rite in front of me...rite in front as like nt even 40 cm away...n she was quite pretty 2...hehehe...but anws,aft a while of her standing in front of me,a bus conductor came on board 2 check our ezlink cards 2 check whether we tapped or nt or wad nt lah...den cos she was standing in front of me,she saw my ezlink card as i passed it 2 de conductor...n u noe wad hapen?she den turned arnd n gave me a sort of unbelieving look!!!de kind of doubtful look u get wen ppl tink u're joking!!!den i was tinking...do i look tt old tt i can't b in poly?cool...hahax...

anws,yest work was quite tough cos we were down by one partner hu cuden make it...so frm 9 onwards dere was onli 3 of us left on de floor 2 handle de customers...den wen de oder partner had 2 go 4 her break,i was left wif de manager on de floor...jus de 2 of us...n a whole lot of customers hu jus dun stop cuming...wah...tired like hell aft tt...but i pity my manager more cos she had 2 do de drinks while i took de orders...dere was one tym wen she ask me 2 slow down cos i was going 2 fast...but at de end of de dae,we were quite contented cos we made it thru tt dark tym...hahax...

on a diff note however,tmr is de dae i'm gonna quit smoking...jus lke tt...sounds impossible huh?but it will b done...even though i'm a heavy smoker now,i'm sure tt tt fact will nt prevent me frm quitting...as easy as one puff goes in,tt will b how easy it is 4 me 2 quit...yup...anws,gtg nw...wan 2 slp...nd 2 replenish my energy for all de future daes i used up 4 boosting my energy recently...yup...chiowz...

[ burning out ]
at 6/29/2007 11:03:00 PM

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
everiting n nuting

its been quite sumtym since i updated...fuck,so many tings haf happened in such a short period of tym...like-

1)making dcisions is one ting,going thru wif it is totally anoder

2)i'm quitting smoking soon

3)sch's started

4)i'm able 2 slp on a bed again finally

5)i'm so fucking tired nowadays cos nt enuff slp,my body aches all over

6)my memories haunting me

7)my fucking laptop was invaded by a fucking trojan virus

so aft u read all dis,all i can sae is tt,i feel SO FUCKED UP NOW!!!haiz...shud haf regularly upgraded my anti-virus software...haiz...n i can't even reformat my com now,de cd can't load...

n abt point number 5,me n sadiq n akmal n arfah went 2 cck 2gether,de 3 of us guys going dere 2 chill wif anoder fren while arfah lives dere...den we cancelled cos tt fren onli wanted cigarretes...den we tot of chilling under arfah's block cos de place dere was peaceful,or so she said...i den found out she lived at blk 407!!! what de fuck sia!!!jus bside blk 406 summore...2 dose hu noe,u'd understand wad i mean...4 dose hu dun,i guess its jus rite 4 me 2 tell u guys...

hmmm...de story goes like dis...i had a liking 4 dis girl living in cck...she lived at blk 406...i rmbred de tym wen i wanted 2 jio her,it was de period of tym wen she wanted 2 study,n a tym wen she told me tt it was boring 4 her 2 stay hme all nite... so i accompanied her la at nite...me living in bukit gombak cycling 4 dun noe how many daes straight aft sch hrs going 2 mit her...n dere was even once wen i cycled in de rain jus 2 mit her...aft a while of 'suffering' i went thru,i tot we shared sumtng...but den again...

den wen i finally gt 2gether wif her,i tot i was finally having a lucky break...n tt was wen i doubted her feelings 4 me...u noe how it seems wen ppl dun reali wan 2 reply ur msgs?but instead dey reply jus bcos dey dun wan 2 dissapoint u?i gt tt feeling frm her msgs cos most of her replies were often less den 5 words...so wen i finally asked her 4 a break,dis is wad she told me(roughly):

'actuali wen u sounded me,i accepted u cos i didn't wan u 2 take it 2 hard...'

dis line will 4ever b i my memory cos it was de line tt made me realise sumtings...

am i tt fucking pitiful?

am i tt miserable tt ppl haf 2 pity me?

am i tt weak tt ppl dun tink i can take aniting?

am i tt fucking stupid 2 haf tot tt wad i wished 4 wud cum true?

am i tt naive 2 haf actuali believed sum1 wud help me wif my loneliness?

am i tt idiotic 2 haf believed tt i wud ever,ever get a fucking lucky break?

i will rmbr tt dae cos it tot me 2 b independent...dun put ur expectations on oders...dun count on oders 2 give u strength...dun count on oders 2 help u frm ur loneliness...u can trust oders but nvr ever expect aniting in return...u r wad u r... jus bcos derer oders arnd u dosen mean u can ever b diff 2 dem...

my past haunts me like a ghost haunting a house...its nt leaving anitym soon n tts wad worries me...damn it...hmmm...

gtg now...my soul is shaking aft dis post...i feel...pain...as if i'm relieving my bad past once again...as if history's repeating...darn it...

~wen de last bell chimes,my soul fade away...n wen tt tym cums,2 de ends of de earth i will go...where my soul breaks away...~

[ burning out ]
at 6/27/2007 11:11:00 AM

Monday, June 18, 2007

stuck at de crossroads of life
one side goes 2 life de oder 2 death
as i hear de last bells chimes
i rmbr wad wrong i've done
looking 4 strength 2 protect myself
looking 4 weapons 2 fight oders
looking 4 money 2 impress oders
but my heart's kol was nvr answered
n now as i look back
n ponder wad i shud do
at de crossroads i recalled
2 find tt shape 4 my heart

nt much...but wad i found i had similar 2 de song...i haf 2 start changing mylife 2 suit de new goal i must get...

[ burning out ]
at 6/18/2007 09:18:00 PM

jus at hme...

2dae i had a veri eye-opening revelation...i didn't slp till arnd 5 yest n de whole tym i was searching 4 dis song wich i heard on de radio went i was at my workplace...i kinda 4got abt de song till i heard of it yest...n wen i reached hme,i spent sum tym searching 4 de song n de lyrics... wen i listen 2 de song alone while everitng was quiet in de wee hrs of de morn,i nearly cried...it was as if a spectrum of emotions hit me all at once...my heart felt like it was stabbed,shaken, crushed n everiting else...de name of de song is shape of my heart by sting...de lyrics below:

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He don't play for respect

He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of a probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

CHORUS
I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades

CHORUS

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one

Well, those who speak know nothin'
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

CHORUS

That's not the shape, the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, the shape of my heart

hmmm...de lyrics might nt seem much...but wen de music is added as well a new effect is generated...yup...a combination enuff 2 make de worst of all ppl,me,close 2 shedding tears... hmmm...look 4 de song guys n listen 2 it...n tell me wad u tink of it...

[ burning out ]
at 6/18/2007 07:56:00 PM

Sunday, June 17, 2007
after work...tired leh...

was late 4 work 2dae...damn it...was supposed 2 start work at 815 but woke up at like 9 plus!!!!wad de fuck...den gt 2 work n a cab...fucking hell,waited 4 a cab 4 15 min like fuck sia...felt so sian...actuali felt like taking mc but den didn't wan 2 b irresponsible...so jus came down...jus like tt wiped out $20 frm my pocket cos took cab 10 bucks den bought cigarettes(i was feeling fucking fucked up!!!)n tt costs anoder 10 bucks...haiz...so sian...20 more daes 2 pay dae...n de most fucking ting is tt its onli 10 daes since my last pay dae n i've used up all of it... 2 much enjoyment readi...damn it...hmmm...

anws...i'm so bored rite now la...gt nuting 2 do...i tink i nd more rest nowadays, realise tt jus now wen i woke up late...but den again,i noe tt my life has most probably been cut down by half cos i've been like using up my slp hours n future energies 4 de present...haiz...tts wad hapens wen u haf 2 much responsbilities... n at a young age 2...haiz...but den again,wads lif without hardships?u can't possibly b dependent on oders all de tym...a tym wud cum wen u haf 2 count on urself 2 face de world...guess de tym 4 me started a bit 2 early...but hu cares... hmmm...

finally...i wan 2 dedicate dis part 2 a person hu jus bcame my fren...she's in thailand now on vacation...i've onli jus gotten 2 noe her...she's a veri nice person n dis makes me wan 2 noe her more...hu noes,dere might even b a possibility 4 more den a frenship...but lets nt get my hopes 2 high shall we...tings might nt turn like wad i wud wish 4...but anws,i hope u enjoy ur tym dere...haf fun n wen u cum back hope u're refreshed enuff aft de vacation...hope 2 hear frm u soon... n thx again 4 being my fren...:)

[ burning out ]
at 6/17/2007 07:00:00 PM

Saturday, June 16, 2007
boring....brings out emo-ness....

im jus bored la rite now so i'll add in another post...hmmm...i feel down dis daes...ppl r asking me 4 advices i can provide dem...but each tym i give dem advise,i feel bad cos i can help oders but i can't help myself...its been like 4ever...i get ppl 2gether,i cheer dem up,i help dem out here n dere whenever i can...but wad did i get?i'm nt trying 2 sae tt its my turn 2 receive help frm oders... but... it sucks wen u noe u can do so much more but de reason is u r veri much afraid...i dare 2 help oders succeed but...i dun dare 2 c myself succeed... i jus can't...

n on anoder note...
i tink its tym i start tinking abt myself instead of oders first...cos i'm kinda tinking tt its unfair being selfish 2 urself by being unselfish 2 oders...but is it reali de rit ting 2 do?is it reali de rite choice 4 me?wad if tings turn out 4 de worst wen i start 2 change?wad if de whole world goes against me bcos i'm starting 2 b more of myself den of oders?wad if?wad if?

honestly i tink i'm tinking 2 much...but den again,me n my fren had a tok once tt dere's no such ting as tinking 2 much...its either u tink 2 much or u dun tink at all...hmmm...wad de heck...my feelings as of now is veri weak...i reali get de feeling tt my future is lost n tt my past is beyond redemption...tt leaves me wif de present,sumting wich i'm losing hold of soon...

hmmm...wad i reali nd rite now wud b a drink...sumting 2 get me drunk n 2 pour my heart out...i haf a lot of tings 2 sae but i dun noe how 2 put dem into words... n bsides,i might jus bore ppl 2 death...damn it...i feel so fucked up now...

anws...gtg now...i tink i nd a smoke...oderwise i might die trying 2 get hme 2nite... peace out everibody...

[ burning out ]
at 6/16/2007 09:08:00 PM

Woah

hey...wads up ppl...finally i haf a blog of my own...quite long to fruition...hahax...anws...hope 2 hear frm everione's comments n i hope t i can update my blog everidae...cheers ppl!

[ burning out ]
at 6/16/2007 08:55:00 PM